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Writer's Block: Operation Giggles

What always makes you laugh?

korean tv shows, like "star king" and "x man"

I was bored today at work so I took a very small shot of my coleague, whom I love very much. also, I heard myself and realised what a horible voice I have. I sound like a man, and when I laugh it's like a sheep going |"meeeeehhh" :)) I decided I'm gonna try and post pics or small videos of random things, maybe people might be interested to see what a small piece of Romania looks like (or not). after I leave for England, I'll do the same for there. it might keep me occupied and amused enough so I won't think too much about how I miss my family and my home. the quality will be low though, because it's taken with my phone. I don't have a camera yet and I probably won't for some time now, but that's ok. as long as the phone gets the job done I'm happy. ^^


Writer's Block: Blast to the past

If you could travel back in time, what would you tell your 10-year-old self?

brace yourself! the world isn't as happy as you see it and people aren't as good as you think they are.

Writer's Block: American idol

What is the one song you must sing at karaoke?

bon jovi's "it's my life"


I'm sitting here, just looking at my computer's monitor and it's like everything is blank. not the monitor, but my mind. I'm at work but I can't muster enough energy to be interested in what I'm supposed to do. I wish I were at home. I wouldn't have any more energy there but at least I wouldn't have to be vigilent about prying eyes. to add to this lack of energy , guilt had to rear it's ugly head and it's making me feel like I weigh a ton. I've made another mistake today, I've hurt and probably disappointed one of my friends today. she's a coleague from work, older but it's someone who I respect and I like her. I asked to go with her to church today, because she goes every Sunday. this is the third time I've said I'd go , the other 2 times I've canceled. but this morning I didn't hear the alarm and woke up when she was calling me because we were supposed to meet and I hadn't showed up. I've appologised through a message and then in person when she got to work. but she said she felt like a fool ; she also feels like I'm not a serious person, but she was too nice to say it to my face. but I could read it on her face, because that's exactly what I would think in her place.
lately I've been having trouble sleeping at night. I can only go to sleep after 5 AM and I was aware that I might not be able to go with her this morning but I still said I would, so that's why I feel guilty. and also ashamed of myself because it isn't the first time I've done this. I tend to cancel things at the last moment, mostly because fear catches the better of me or I just don\t have any energy in me and most of those times have been during my depression. and I think I've been falling into it again. the insomnia, the disorganised eating. there are days when I can't eat a thing because even looking at food makes me nauseous and other days I can't seem to stop eating. my head is swiming with all the worries that I'm depressed again, I'm aware I'm not well and yet I don't do anything to change it plus the usual worries like the threatening letters from the banks have gotten more frequesnt. these past weeks I've been getting dizzy several times a day and seeing black spots, my legs and hands get numb and one day I was in front of my dresser, I got dizzy so I just closed my eyes for a second waiting for it to pas, when I opened them again I was still dizzy and my leg had started to tremble prety bad but even though I felt it I was in a state where I didn't realise if it was true or not and the next thing I know I'm on the floor on my ass. I need to get some blood tests, because the last ones I had was in 2008 but that implies going to the doctor and theres some mix up with our papers which requires other trips and in the end it's all just too exhausting and I give up. there's also the fact that I'm considering going back to England to work in a retirement home but with all my doubts about my health I'm not so sure I want to go . but I promissed my friend I would and she's all excited that she'll have me there and we can share the rent and so on. and I said I want to go, because a part of me does, and I don't know if I can go back on my word because I've done it so many times and each time made me feel worse. but what if I go and I'm miserable all the same? I'm tired of feeling out of place and unhappy all the time. and I'm tired of being tired. I just don't know what to do anymore and all these thoughts keep pilling up and my head hurts.
so that's about it for me lately. I wish I'd have better news to share but I don't.



I got my sallary 2 days ago and I payed the dentist and the electricity bill and I had to spare to buy a pair of sandals and 3 blouses from a second hand shop because I didn't have anything to wear anymore in this hot wheater; other than that I have no more money left, I don't have internet anymore because I couldn't pay the bill and I need to get a new computer because mine has finally hit the dust after 8 years of facing bravely my abuse, the animal hair going into it and the cats constantly jumping on the on and off button. but I have no money for a new computer either and I won't have it anytime soon so....
well, at least I still have a roof over my head, we have food to put in our stomachs (for now) and everyone in my familly is well and relatively healthy, so I can't ask for more. I try to keep my spirit up. things can't go on being gloomy forever.
"baby it's ok! someday!" as Jon said ; I love that man

P.S I saw a really cute guy today in the store. he passed by me fast but from the look I got he resembled Orlando Bloom. I was so stunned I automaticaly turned around to look after him. and I never check boys out, in an obvious manner or not, because I'm a coward that should they look and catch me checking them out I'll freeze like an idiot. but this guy was like a magnet. oh well. he'd never give me a second look so... meh. at least I got a good look :P


tears and hope

Last night Bon Jovi sangfor the first time in Romania. And, as usual, I didn't have money to go. Tonight, after work, I watched the concert on youtube (God bless the ones that were there and posted the videos) and, as I got to "Living on a prayer" I bursted into tears. Yes, I know there are milions of people in the world that are doing far more worse than I am. Yes I know I am an extremly selfish person for crying over this. But my God! how I wish I could have been in that crowd singing with him. Because I relate so much to this song. Because there have been countless times when I couldn't have or do something that I wanted or I was hurt by others and I said to myself "some day". So from now on, when I hit a wall I'm just gonna close my eyes and listen to his voice saying "baby it's ok. some day"



The only reason I'm writing this is because I'm at work and the systems have temporarily crashed (the ones that we're working with, not the whole internet thankfuly); yeah I'm at work on a Sunday, but I kinda like it when I work on weekends because it's more peaceful, not as many people around. Anyway, basicaly I'm writing this to do something other than stare at the ceiling :P I haven't written in such a long time because I have nothing to say. It's just the same routine, over and over : work and home. So I figured it would be too boring to write about that. On another hand, today is the 26th and the deadline for the international essay contest sponsored by the goi peace foundation is the end of the month. and i haven't written one single line. i just don't have any inspiration. and after this year i won't be alowed to participate anymore because i'll be over 25 :( lately i'm like a fish on dry land. strugling without actualy achieveing anything, or getting anywhere. i need some spice in my life. some events. wait. make that some POSITIVE events, because we've had a lot of negative ones these last years. plus, 2 days ago, my tooth decided to torture me. and all that constant pain has made me cranky. i'll have to call the dentist tomorrow and beg for her to fix my tooth and let me pay her at the end of July when i get my other paycheck, because the one i got last week is long gone. and we haven't even managed to pay off all our debts :( i feel like yelling at no one in particular, that's how frustrated i'vebecome. or maybe it's just the tooth.
Gotta keep faith that things will eventualy turn out well, although all that faith is starting to wea thin.


Jun. 2nd, 2011

I wanna tatto this on my right shoulder blade. I wanna do it now, I've waited several years for it, but I don't hae money right now :( Anyone care to donate? :)) kidding